just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
