M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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