why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
