I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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