you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
