dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
