He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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