There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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