we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
