I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
