I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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