I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I deserve this hangover.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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