my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
