You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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