Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
