I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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