Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
