remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
