I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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