we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
