I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
