Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
