i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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