i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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