oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
