Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
