I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
