Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
