Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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