My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
my poor anus
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
