He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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