I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Bring me that man meat
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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