Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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