She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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