He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
