I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize