He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
