He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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