he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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