i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
