Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
