God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
