I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
