I want you more than these girls want KFC
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
