peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
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I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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