i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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