It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
this hospital has no fireball
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
