Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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