So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
