Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm too high and old for this...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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