I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
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I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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