I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
