He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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