She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
