brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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