I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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