Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
